I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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