am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
