I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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