Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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