We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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