Plan B is the new Plan A
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
