When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
