I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize