i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
