Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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