Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize