Don't make out with my wife yet
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
