Your dad touched me again.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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