Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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