I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
