My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize