Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
