: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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