For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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