good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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