I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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