some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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