just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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