i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
