thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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