____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
