DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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