she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
