I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
