The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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