How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize