Umm I'm too high to move.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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