I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
