doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Hippo gnu deer
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
