Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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