i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
