Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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