my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
