I love black thongs
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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