talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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