it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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