I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
