its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize