Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
