yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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