it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
So. Much. Porn.
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