dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
