can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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