He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
