I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
