just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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