Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
