I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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