I feel great
I just peed on a car
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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