Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize