I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
