at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
