Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Rumble strips road head = magical
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
