I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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