Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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