he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
