He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
And then he peed in my hair
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