How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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