I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
