i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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