Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
