I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
