He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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